I think things are changing for the better, but I'm
afraid to jinx it, so let's just say I'm grateful for recent events.
I'm feeling more optimistic about my recovery and
my fiancé's recovery. R has attended two SLAA meetings, today and yesterday,
and has his own sponsor. A particularly bad bender this weekend caused him to
lose his job and let down his partner on a crucial class project - we're hoping
he still has a chance to pass the class. I have hope though that he will find
something beneficial in these meetings and that this will take him in a new
direction.
As far as I'm concerned, things are also sort of
looking up. After not attending counseling sessions these past two months,
compounded with lots of stress over job interviews, I'm happy to say that I
have a grown-up job waiting for me after graduation. This is my last semester,
and I start my new job (and get married!) in January. I am facing three weeks
without work before the new job starts, because my current job won't let me
work past graduation, but I'm looking forward to the time off. Even with R not
bringing in any income in December, our money situation will still be stable
once I get my first salaried paycheck.
It's been hard though, not going to counseling. I
got a lot of rejections from employers and I took them personally. R's drinking
has been bad, and I have a hard time dealing with it. I stopped going to
Al-Anon meetings, first by not making them a priority, and then I actually
started forgetting about them. But this recent turnaround by R, and the fact
that I got a letter from my therapist today asking what my intentions were for
counseling, make me want to get back to it again. I know Al-Anon and COSA will
be what I need, but I might want to choose a therapist who's more familiar with
the Twelve Steps. This counselor has been extremely helpful in dealing with
some past sexual trauma I've had, but she had admitted to not understanding the
recovery process very much. I will say that she had helped me realize the
harmful beliefs I hold about myself, and I have since been more focused on
understanding my own needs and asserting them.
I have been catching up on my three Al-Anon books:
One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, Courage To Change, and Hope For Today. They have
daily readings that help remind you of the teachings of the Twelve Steps. Two
recent entries stood out: one about gratitude and one about letting go of
control.
Gratitude is one thing I need to work on. I forget
to thank God for my blessings. I have my health, my home, my family, my
friends, and my fiancé. As much as anyone reading this blog might only see R's
addictions, he is still everything I want in my life. This man was the first
person to teach me to talk about my anger and sadness. We share everything with
each other. We respect and admire each other. I am so grateful for the chance
to come home to him every day, and honestly I have this disease to thank for
making me appreciate the times we can both be fully present even more.
Letting go of control is especially relevant in my
life. The whole reason I went to that first Al-Anon meeting was because I was
trying desperately to control my life and my fiancé's life but failing
miserably. I should not be in charge of my life, because only God can be in
control of my life. It is up to me to get out of bed every day and seize
opportunities, but it is through God's love and support that I can accomplish
anything. Letting go of control of R's addiction is part of God's love for me -
He does not want me to go insane over something that is bigger than me. The
best thing I can do is draw upon God's love for me and share it with R so he
can feel it too. I need to remember that in the future.
Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous
