Commitment

September 19th's reading in One Day At A Time In Al-Anon contained this daily reminder:

Any marriage made in expectation of lifelong bliss and freedom from care is bound to bring us some shocking realizations that life just isn't like that. An adult point of view recognizes that alcoholism and its train of troubles is only one of the disasters that can happen to a marriage. We would face others with courage; why not this? The commitment to the person we married demands that we do everything we can to correct our problems. What to do we learn in Al-Anon. How we use it is up to us.

My own vows to my husband included this promise:

I vow to always be an active participant in our marriage, even in our most trying times.

 A few weeks ago it was hard to remember that vow. Thanks to this reading and my renewed commitment to Al-Anon, I remember that my husband is worth this effort. A husband who will give me hugs and food when I wake up with an enormous headache is the kind of guy worth keeping. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have him and I never want to take him for granted.

Goals

During Wednesday night's meeting, when I mentioned I had a hard time with the concept of a Higher Power, another member let me borrow her book As We Understood..., which so far seems to be a collection of member stories about spiritual growth in the program. I just started reading it tonight, and I put it down because I wanted to put down some virtual thoughts about my goals in Al-Anon.

1. I want to stop the crazy.
2. I want to be wholly kind to people.
3. I want to find comfort in conscious contact with my Higher Power.
4. I want to face the day willing and able to handle my responsibilities.

Stopping The Crazy

What do I mean when I say I want to stop the crazy? I want to end the obsessive thoughts that fill my head whenever either I feel anxious, scared, or angry. I want to stop telling myself my feelings are invalid and defeating my natural emotional process. I especially want to stop obsessing about what my husband is or isn't doing at any given time. I want to be able to recognize those thoughts when they arise, acknowledge them, and allow my Higher Power to fill my head with gentler things.

Being Wholly Kind

All my life I've felt like I'm really a mean person at heart. Like I'm not even really sure how to be kind to people. My version of being kind seems limited to either polite listening when a coworker is chatting while internally worrying about what I'm supposed to do or say - not listening with genuine interest. With close friends and family, I feel like my version of kind has more to do with being officious than really understanding. Maybe I'm not giving myself credit, but I usually view myself as somewhere between mildly bitchy and a full-on monster. Maybe this paragraph didn't make any sense to anyone but myself, but I really just want to approach others with love and understanding.

Finding Comfort

What does it feel like to find true comfort in a Higher Power? I can't for the life of me remember a time when I was utterly comfortable in any situation. Perhaps I am a little scared of not having anything to worry about. A therapist told me once that it's easier to perpetuate your own suffering because suffering is familiar and peace is strange. But I am working at peace. Maybe I will find it one day through a power greater than myself.

Facing the Day With Confidence

I usually can't drag myself out of bed on time in the mornings, and that reluctancy follows me throughout the day when I have to face even minor tasks. My mom used to tell me I was a procrastinator just like my father, and sometimes during school it even felt like procrastination was celebrated among my peers - it was a tiny form of rebellion. Now, procrastination usually just makes me even harder on myself. It's like I'm afraid of failing at tasks and I can't bring myself to start them. I've noticed at work, when I reach a point where I don't understand a task, I immediately check Twitter or Facebook on my phone, or I text my husband about something inane. I just want to wake up in the morning and know feel confident about facing responsibility. Or at least if I'm not feeling confident, to remember that I only have to fake it for a day and start anew the next morning. Oh, and to remember to ask questions when I need to, because asking for help is not the same as failing.

I have to remember to be gentle with myself as I pursue these goals, but I know that Al-Anon will get me there.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous

Courage to change

Last Monday, September 9th, marked one year since my first 12-step meeting. I attended a Sunday morning Al-Anon meeting not knowing what to expect. I felt peace after that meeting for the first time that I could really remember. I was fairly consistent in attending meetings for the next few months, until I basically stopped going to meetings altogether.

Looking back on that long dry spell, I only wish I could have known then what I know now, which is that going to meetings is really giving me the power to meet the day head-on.

R and I are now married. I have been the sole breadwinner for the two of us since our wedding in January up until about two weeks ago when R got a job at a bakery. He finished school in May but there's not a lot of employment options for his degree where we live. Fortunately I was making enough for us to live on, but his income now is enough that we can really start to put a dent in our student debt (thank God I was able to pay off my credit card debt from the money people gave us for the wedding). Generally speaking, our marriage is as good as a marriage between two best friends can be...except that we're both kind of fucked up.

I don't mean that to be negative. I've been processing a lot of feelings lately, brought up by these meetings, and I'm having some revelations about myself. Or, at least I'm not as afraid as I used to be to ponder my shortcomings. I'm a human being. It's okay to have shortcomings. I've had a hard time believing that for the past 25 years.

Have I mentioned I was sexually abused as a child? I feel it's pertinent to mention considering what's been in my head lately. I finally mentioned this at a meeting 2 weeks ago and another member, who I know is also a survivor, mentioned a support group in my city specifically for adults who were abused as children. I can't believe I've never heard of this before. It starts next Tuesday and I'm honestly kind of excited. I finally had therapy that tackled this trauma head-on, and it broke down some really old walls. I'm not in therapy now, but I feel like having the chance to revisit the trauma with fellow survivors (I'm consciously using the word "survivor" as opposed to "victim") will help me process it further. Today I met with the coordinator of the group (required before starting) and she had me sign a confidentiality agreement that is very strong in language. I can name the emotions I felt during a meeting, but I can't discuss what I've shared or what other members have shared. So just to be sure, the most I'll mention on this blog is the feelings themselves.

My real purpose for picking up the blog again is because I feel like I've had more of a breakthrough with Al-Anon. I just started going back to meetings a few weeks ago and I feel like I'm more a part of the group now. People remember my name and seek me out for hugs. I even got a real phone list today. Our topic today was about obsessive thinking, and my share involved how I knew I could take steps to stop obsessive thoughts by either consulting my Higher Power or calling an Al-Anon member, but that I didn't have any phone numbers and oh yeah, I'm an atheist. People were really supportive about that second point. Most of them have been believers for a long time, but thought their Higher Power loved everyone but them.

So which is worse, not having an HP or believing your HP hates you? I gotta say I probably have it easier being an atheist. I can start with a clean slate (once I figure out how it's supposed to work) as opposed to having to stop believing that I'm hated by my HP. You gotta be a strong person to be able to get over that belief. My main problem is I have no habits for praying or believing. The most permanent solution I can think of is getting a prayer tattooed on my body...and even though that's not a solution I'll probably still do that. The Prayer of Saint Francis is my favorite.

I did try to connect with my HP at lunch yesterday and this morning on the way to work. Yesterday's lunch was enlightening for some reason. I'm trying to eat vegan for breakfast and lunch, and the salad I put together at Whole Foods was so full of delicious veggies. As I munched on them at my desk, I wondered at how a year ago, if you told me I would one day eat vegan and enjoy it, I would have scoffed at you and gone back to stuffing my face with pizza. Now I look forward to finding vegan lunches. All I can feel is grateful that my attitude towards food has changed so easily since I started this program a few weeks ago (funny how it coincided with my decision to restart Al-Anon!) and I even said grace as I was eating. And let me tell you, if you've never had a spiritual moment while eating an apple, I suggest you reach for the nearest Granny Smith and try it.

This morning when I tried to connect with my HP, I was driving to work during rush hour and feeling overwhelmed. I had intended to wake up early and make it to the gym by 5:30am, but stayed in bed instead. So when I kept getting cut off on the interstate, I decided this must be God telling me to get my ass out of bed earlier and treat my body like a temple, yada yada. Of course, I did decide that's what my HP must have meant, and I was feeling kind of grumpy and not very gentle with myself, so it could have been just another example of me not necessarily knowing how this whole believing in HP thing works.

This post was wordier than I had intended, but that's okay. It's 9:30pm, so I think it's high time I put tomorrow's gym bag together, set my alarm for 4:30am, and let my head gently hit the pillow (see what I did there?).

Gratefully yours,

Sal Anonymous