- What is he doing?
- Is he telling the truth about what he's doing?
First of all, if I don't think he's telling the truth about his activities, why do I bother asking him about them in the first place?
Second of all, how necessary are these answers to the progress of my day? It's true that I hate being surprised by finding him in a stupor when I return home, and maybe by his answers and reactions I can mitigate the shock. But if I am at work or in class, or spending time with a friend, attempting to get answers from him only ever leads to suspicion or despair.
Today, for instance, he was supposed to attend an SLAA meeting at noon and work on a group project that is already a week late (due to his bender last time). So I kept checking in on him to see if he went to his meeting, then finding out he watched porn instead, and alternating between calling and texting him to find out more. I blamed it on my boredom at work, but the truth is I could have worked on a project if I'd decided to focus on work. Instead, I focused on R's progress with his paper. Fortunately, he hadn't had any alcohol and was therefore completely sober after watching porn and is this very minute putting the finishing touches on the project.
But today was different, because he actually called me out on my interrogation. On the ride home from the library, he told me how annoying it was that he was trying to be honest about his porn and I became fixated on finding out more information rather than offering support. I promptly apologized to him for this, because I was already ashamed of my snooping. This kind of behavior doesn't afford him the dignity he needs on the road to his own recovery. It definitely doesn't help me on my own path.
The Al-Anon reading put it this way:
I will rather ask myself: "What prompts me to do or say things that cause trouble?" - "Why do I concentrate on someone else's shortcomings instead of my own?"
The fact of the matter is, other people's shortcomings are up to God. They are not in my hands. I can only effectively address my own shortcomings and ask God to remove them for me.
I did remember to pray today (I even put it on my to-do list so I would be reminded) and I am very grateful that my wonderful and human fiancé is still with me and we're still strong.
Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous
