Dead-end frustration

The December 3rd entry in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon inspired me to write a post today. It talks about questions that only lead to frustration. I ask myself these kinds of questions all the time, especially when R is home and I am elsewhere.

• What is he doing?
• Is he telling the truth about what he's doing?

First of all, if I don't think he's telling the truth about his activities, why do I bother asking him about them in the first place?

Second of all, how necessary are these answers to the progress of my day? It's true that I hate being surprised by finding him in a stupor when I return home, and maybe by his answers and reactions I can mitigate the shock. But if I am at work or in class, or spending time with a friend, attempting to get answers from him only ever leads to suspicion or despair.

Today, for instance, he was supposed to attend an SLAA meeting at noon and work on a group project that is already a week late (due to his bender last time). So I kept checking in on him to see if he went to his meeting, then finding out he watched porn instead, and alternating between calling and texting him to find out more. I blamed it on my boredom at work, but the truth is I could have worked on a project if I'd decided to focus on work. Instead, I focused on R's progress with his paper. Fortunately, he hadn't had any alcohol and was therefore completely sober after watching porn and is this very minute putting the finishing touches on the project.

But today was different, because he actually called me out on my interrogation. On the ride home from the library, he told me how annoying it was that he was trying to be honest about his porn and I became  fixated on finding out more information rather than offering support. I promptly apologized to him for this, because I was already ashamed of my snooping. This kind of behavior doesn't afford him the dignity he needs on the road to his own recovery. It definitely doesn't help me on my own path.

The Al-Anon reading put it this way:

I will rather ask myself:  "What prompts me to do or say things that cause trouble?" - "Why do I concentrate on someone else's shortcomings instead of my own?"

The fact of the matter is, other people's shortcomings are up to God. They are not in my hands. I can only effectively address my own shortcomings and ask God to remove them for me.

I did remember to pray today (I even put it on my to-do list so I would be reminded) and I am very grateful that my wonderful and human fiancé is still with me and we're still strong.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous

Back to it

I think things are changing for the better, but I'm afraid to jinx it, so let's just say I'm grateful for recent events.

I'm feeling more optimistic about my recovery and my fiancé's recovery. R has attended two SLAA meetings, today and yesterday, and has his own sponsor. A particularly bad bender this weekend caused him to lose his job and let down his partner on a crucial class project - we're hoping he still has a chance to pass the class. I have hope though that he will find something beneficial in these meetings and that this will take him in a new direction.

As far as I'm concerned, things are also sort of looking up. After not attending counseling sessions these past two months, compounded with lots of stress over job interviews, I'm happy to say that I have a grown-up job waiting for me after graduation. This is my last semester, and I start my new job (and get married!) in January. I am facing three weeks without work before the new job starts, because my current job won't let me work past graduation, but I'm looking forward to the time off. Even with R not bringing in any income in December, our money situation will still be stable once I get my first salaried paycheck.

It's been hard though, not going to counseling. I got a lot of rejections from employers and I took them personally. R's drinking has been bad, and I have a hard time dealing with it. I stopped going to Al-Anon meetings, first by not making them a priority, and then I actually started forgetting about them. But this recent turnaround by R, and the fact that I got a letter from my therapist today asking what my intentions were for counseling, make me want to get back to it again. I know Al-Anon and COSA will be what I need, but I might want to choose a therapist who's more familiar with the Twelve Steps. This counselor has been extremely helpful in dealing with some past sexual trauma I've had, but she had admitted to not understanding the recovery process very much. I will say that she had helped me realize the harmful beliefs I hold about myself, and I have since been more focused on understanding my own needs and asserting them.

I have been catching up on my three Al-Anon books: One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, Courage To Change, and Hope For Today. They have daily readings that help remind you of the teachings of the Twelve Steps. Two recent entries stood out: one about gratitude and one about letting go of control.

Gratitude is one thing I need to work on. I forget to thank God for my blessings. I have my health, my home, my family, my friends, and my fiancé. As much as anyone reading this blog might only see R's addictions, he is still everything I want in my life. This man was the first person to teach me to talk about my anger and sadness. We share everything with each other. We respect and admire each other. I am so grateful for the chance to come home to him every day, and honestly I have this disease to thank for making me appreciate the times we can both be fully present even more.

Letting go of control is especially relevant in my life. The whole reason I went to that first Al-Anon meeting was because I was trying desperately to control my life and my fiancé's life but failing miserably. I should not be in charge of my life, because only God can be in control of my life. It is up to me to get out of bed every day and seize opportunities, but it is through God's love and support that I can accomplish anything. Letting go of control of R's addiction is part of God's love for me - He does not want me to go insane over something that is bigger than me. The best thing I can do is draw upon God's love for me and share it with R so he can feel it too. I need to remember that in the future.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous

Meetings

I really need to attend meetings more frequently. I find that by the time Sunday rolls around and I head to my weekly meeting, I am drained of energy. Today I woke up at 8am and proceeded to lie in bed on the computer for three hours. I had so many plans to clean and run errands, but the most I did was go to the grocery store to buy cereal so I could at least have something to eat. I haven't even put makeup on today.

I feel so irritable and depressed by the end of the week. My tasks just loom over my head and out of fear of failing at any one of them, I choose to put off all of them.

Right now I just had an argument with my fiancé about my eating habits. I feel like he doesn't understand that my codependency problems are affecting my eating habits by giving me an emotional relationship with food. It's not easy to just "eat less" when I feel like I need food for comfort, and I need a lot of comfort. In recovery, you can't try to control anyone's behavior but your own. When he tells me to just "eat less" it's the same as me telling him to just "watch less porn" - it makes us both come out as nags and it doesn't respect the other person's dignity. He assumes I just don't understand the fundamental concept of eating less calories than you burn in order to lose weight. Duh, I get that. But just because I know that doesn't mean I can stop or slow the eating. I start to diet and then I fail and start over again. I relapse. If he keeps trying to admonish me for the way I eat, it's only going to cause frustration for him and more shame for me. He insists he wasn't admonishing me, but I feel like just bringing up the topic is inherently condescending.

Now we've both gone to our separate corners. He's helping his dad with something and I have to meet my sister in 20 minutes. The way we were talking to each other wasn't productive and we were just offending each other, sometimes intentionally. If I was going to more regular meetings, I feel like I would be in a better place to hear his comments about my eating habits and react more calmly and with understanding. I might not get him to understand me, but I could at least not cause the situation to escalate.

Fuck.

Yours in failed communication,
Sal Anonymous

Self-Care

I was right in my earlier post. He did sneak out to continue his bender. I mean, wouldn't you think it was weird if someone had been drinking all day and then just decided to go to campus to study for an exam the next day? I thought so. The good news is he came home while I was in class, so at least I don't have to worry about him getting another DUI, or worse.

Before I left for class, I said the Serenity Prayer and tried to calm myself down. I couldn't change what he was doing; I could only change what I was doing. I decided to stop obsessing about him and go to class. That's major progress for me. I was able to step back and be rational enough to choose something that would be a distraction from the present situation. I also refrained from shirking responsibility in that I went to class and learned important material, as opposed to staying home and wallowing in my own feelings.

The meeting topic last Sunday at Al-Anon was self-care. One of the slogans someone shared was that self-care reflected our HP's love for us. In taking care of myself and my needs, I was reflecting God's love for me. God believes me to be deserving of good things, and I am in a unique position to work for those good things. For instance, when I came home from the meeting last Sunday, I immediately changed into my workout clothes and went for a run around the neighborhood. I didn't get very far, and in fact my stamina is way down from what it was, but that didn't matter. What did matter was that I carved out time to take care of my body and my health. I deserve health and wellness and I deserve a body that is capable of running, jumping, swimming, biking, and enjoying life. God knows this, and the only thing I can do is set my mind to achieving those things for myself. God also knows I deserve to eat good food and live in a clean house and gain knowledge, so I must decide to get off my ass and buy groceries, do dishes, and study.

This is what self-care is all about. I am still learning and trying to understand God, but meanwhile (s)he loves me and wants me to take care of myself. This is what's going to improve my life, one day at a time.

Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous

Well, fuck.

One thing my fiancé used to do, but hasn't done for about a year, might be happening again. He often goes on beer-and-porn binges when I'm not home, but he used to leave the house just before I got home from work so he could park somewhere away from the public and continue his bingeing. One of the last few times he did this, he ended up with a DUI and a misdemeanor public lewdness charge.

Today he had a long break between his afternoon class and his evening class, and he ostensibly came home to nap. Then, ten minutes before I was set to leave work, I received a text that he was heading back to campus early to prepare for an exam tomorrow. I started to get that old suspicious feeling and sure enough, when I got home, I found crushed beer cans in the recycle bin and more beer in the fridge. That's the only unique sign that he's been drinking and probably intends to keep drinking. Otherwise, it's just like a normal Wednesday - he takes his computer to class, which starts 30 minutes before my own, so nothing out of the ordinary there - except I know he's been drinking. And now I'm afraid he'll be out drinking until either a cop picks him up or he comes home in the wee hours of the morning. I called him and he insists he's going to class and he'll be home when I get out of my own class later.

When this used to happen, I'd stay up all night. I wouldn't be able to sleep alone, and I'd keep checking to see if he had pulled up yet. I'd research ways to track GPS on his laptop or his phone (to no avail). I generally become a crazy bitch and get all focused on him and his addiction.

Not that reacting that way wouldn't be totally normal for most people, but that kind of reaction is unhealthy according to Al-Anon. So what do I do? Trust he'll be home when he says? Decide to just go about my evening as normal (including going to class, which I'm REALLY reluctant to do right now)? Pack my shit and sleep at the apartment I'm watching for my friend?

Also, I just "pocket-dialed" him and he says he's packing up to go to class, since he was in the library. I guess I believe him. If he's not back when I get home, I'm calling someone on my Al-Anon contact list.

Yours in craziness,
Sal Anonymous

Routine

Here's what my basic week is like:

Almost every day of the week, there's a large gap in time between my fiancé (hereafter referred to as R) arriving home from his morning shift and me coming home from either work or class. During this time, he usually has classes to attend. Or he's supposed to attend classes. Today, for instance, he came home from work and watched porn and drank. I came home from work to find him asleep in our bedroom and I could smell the alcohol on him.

I can usually look forward to at least one of these kinds of episodes each week. Before my first Al-Anon meeting, I found it easy to immediately get into an argument with R about his drinking. You know what the real problem was, aside from the addiction? I was looking for validation from him at a time when he was incapable of giving it.

When someone is having an addictive episode, that person's primary relationship is with the addiction and no one else. R would even tell me this, saying that just because he drank didn't mean he didn't love me. What he was trying to say was that his drinking has nothing to do with me. Which means the way I was reacting wasn't going to do anything, because I wasn't the cause in the first place.

I did not cause this addiction, I cannot control this addiction, and I cannot cure this addiction.

Since my first Al-Anon meeting, I have tried my best to slow down and realize this. Showing patience and compassion is the only way I can receive patience and compassion in return. I need to use this time, since he is asleep and non-communicative, to focus on my own needs. For instance, tonight I need to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow. I am going to use this opportunity to attend my first COSA (Codependents Of Sex Addicts) meeting. So far today I have gone to work and earned money, I've completed a workout, and I am close to completing the laundry. There's no reason why I can't take more time to attend a meeting and read my textbook. In my interactions with R, I will be gentle and understanding.

This is why we have to take everything one day at a time. It's the only way to gain real perspective.

Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous

Introduction

Hi, I'm Sal Anonymous. Obviously, that's not my real name. I've started this blog to track my recovery through Al-Anon, as someone whose life has been affected by someone else's addiction(s). Al-Anon is specifically for those who are affected by someone else's alcoholism. My situation is a little more complicated than that, in that my loved one suffers from sex addiction first and alcoholism second (hence the "S" part of "Sal").

Going to Al-Anon meetings (just 3 so far) has inspired me to focus more on my own recovery and personal health, as well as begin a relationship with a Higher Power (HP) of my understanding. As a longtime atheist, it's difficult for me to trust in a God-type figure, but so far I've caught myself praying when the going gets tough. That's a big step for me, and I'm excited to see where I take it from here.

The purpose of this blog is primarily to help me reflect on the lessons I learn from Al-Anon and any other recovery group meetings I attend. If someone comes across my blog and is able to use it as a resource, then I'm happy. As they say, "take what you like and leave the rest."

Only a handful of people know the extent of my situation. My family is completely in the dark, as it is my fiancé who is the addict. I know, you might read that and think automatically that I should leave him, but this is not a place for judgment. This blog is about my own personal journey and all I ask is that you respect my autonomy as much as I will try to respect yours.

Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous

I selected this post to be featured on my blog’s page at Addiction Blogs.