Last Monday, September 9th, marked one year since my first 12-step meeting. I attended a Sunday morning Al-Anon meeting not knowing what to expect. I felt peace after that meeting for the first time that I could really remember. I was fairly consistent in attending meetings for the next few months, until I basically stopped going to meetings altogether.
Looking back on that long dry spell, I only wish I could have known then what I know now, which is that going to meetings is really giving me the power to meet the day head-on.
R and I are now married. I have been the sole breadwinner for the two of us since our wedding in January up until about two weeks ago when R got a job at a bakery. He finished school in May but there's not a lot of employment options for his degree where we live. Fortunately I was making enough for us to live on, but his income now is enough that we can really start to put a dent in our student debt (thank God I was able to pay off my credit card debt from the money people gave us for the wedding). Generally speaking, our marriage is as good as a marriage between two best friends can be...except that we're both kind of fucked up.
I don't mean that to be negative. I've been processing a lot of feelings lately, brought up by these meetings, and I'm having some revelations about myself. Or, at least I'm not as afraid as I used to be to ponder my shortcomings. I'm a human being. It's okay to have shortcomings. I've had a hard time believing that for the past 25 years.
Have I mentioned I was sexually abused as a child? I feel it's pertinent to mention considering what's been in my head lately. I finally mentioned this at a meeting 2 weeks ago and another member, who I know is also a survivor, mentioned a support group in my city specifically for adults who were abused as children. I can't believe I've never heard of this before. It starts next Tuesday and I'm honestly kind of excited. I finally had therapy that tackled this trauma head-on, and it broke down some really old walls. I'm not in therapy now, but I feel like having the chance to revisit the trauma with fellow survivors (I'm consciously using the word "survivor" as opposed to "victim") will help me process it further. Today I met with the coordinator of the group (required before starting) and she had me sign a confidentiality agreement that is very strong in language. I can name the emotions I felt during a meeting, but I can't discuss what I've shared or what other members have shared. So just to be sure, the most I'll mention on this blog is the feelings themselves.
My real purpose for picking up the blog again is because I feel like I've had more of a breakthrough with Al-Anon. I just started going back to meetings a few weeks ago and I feel like I'm more a part of the group now. People remember my name and seek me out for hugs. I even got a real phone list today. Our topic today was about obsessive thinking, and my share involved how I knew I could take steps to stop obsessive thoughts by either consulting my Higher Power or calling an Al-Anon member, but that I didn't have any phone numbers and oh yeah, I'm an atheist. People were really supportive about that second point. Most of them have been believers for a long time, but thought their Higher Power loved everyone but them.
So which is worse, not having an HP or believing your HP hates you? I gotta say I probably have it easier being an atheist. I can start with a clean slate (once I figure out how it's supposed to work) as opposed to having to stop believing that I'm hated by my HP. You gotta be a strong person to be able to get over that belief. My main problem is I have no habits for praying or believing. The most permanent solution I can think of is getting a prayer tattooed on my body...and even though that's not a solution I'll probably still do that. The Prayer of Saint Francis is my favorite.
I did try to connect with my HP at lunch yesterday and this morning on the way to work. Yesterday's lunch was enlightening for some reason. I'm trying to eat vegan for breakfast and lunch, and the salad I put together at Whole Foods was so full of delicious veggies. As I munched on them at my desk, I wondered at how a year ago, if you told me I would one day eat vegan and enjoy it, I would have scoffed at you and gone back to stuffing my face with pizza. Now I look forward to finding vegan lunches. All I can feel is grateful that my attitude towards food has changed so easily since I started this program a few weeks ago (funny how it coincided with my decision to restart Al-Anon!) and I even said grace as I was eating. And let me tell you, if you've never had a spiritual moment while eating an apple, I suggest you reach for the nearest Granny Smith and try it.
This morning when I tried to connect with my HP, I was driving to work during rush hour and feeling overwhelmed. I had intended to wake up early and make it to the gym by 5:30am, but stayed in bed instead. So when I kept getting cut off on the interstate, I decided this must be God telling me to get my ass out of bed earlier and treat my body like a temple, yada yada. Of course, I did decide that's what my HP must have meant, and I was feeling kind of grumpy and not very gentle with myself, so it could have been just another example of me not necessarily knowing how this whole believing in HP thing works.
This post was wordier than I had intended, but that's okay. It's 9:30pm, so I think it's high time I put tomorrow's gym bag together, set my alarm for 4:30am, and let my head gently hit the pillow (see what I did there?).
Gratefully yours,
Sal Anonymous
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