Goals

During Wednesday night's meeting, when I mentioned I had a hard time with the concept of a Higher Power, another member let me borrow her book As We Understood..., which so far seems to be a collection of member stories about spiritual growth in the program. I just started reading it tonight, and I put it down because I wanted to put down some virtual thoughts about my goals in Al-Anon.

1. I want to stop the crazy.
2. I want to be wholly kind to people.
3. I want to find comfort in conscious contact with my Higher Power.
4. I want to face the day willing and able to handle my responsibilities.

Stopping The Crazy

What do I mean when I say I want to stop the crazy? I want to end the obsessive thoughts that fill my head whenever either I feel anxious, scared, or angry. I want to stop telling myself my feelings are invalid and defeating my natural emotional process. I especially want to stop obsessing about what my husband is or isn't doing at any given time. I want to be able to recognize those thoughts when they arise, acknowledge them, and allow my Higher Power to fill my head with gentler things.

Being Wholly Kind

All my life I've felt like I'm really a mean person at heart. Like I'm not even really sure how to be kind to people. My version of being kind seems limited to either polite listening when a coworker is chatting while internally worrying about what I'm supposed to do or say - not listening with genuine interest. With close friends and family, I feel like my version of kind has more to do with being officious than really understanding. Maybe I'm not giving myself credit, but I usually view myself as somewhere between mildly bitchy and a full-on monster. Maybe this paragraph didn't make any sense to anyone but myself, but I really just want to approach others with love and understanding.

Finding Comfort

What does it feel like to find true comfort in a Higher Power? I can't for the life of me remember a time when I was utterly comfortable in any situation. Perhaps I am a little scared of not having anything to worry about. A therapist told me once that it's easier to perpetuate your own suffering because suffering is familiar and peace is strange. But I am working at peace. Maybe I will find it one day through a power greater than myself.

Facing the Day With Confidence

I usually can't drag myself out of bed on time in the mornings, and that reluctancy follows me throughout the day when I have to face even minor tasks. My mom used to tell me I was a procrastinator just like my father, and sometimes during school it even felt like procrastination was celebrated among my peers - it was a tiny form of rebellion. Now, procrastination usually just makes me even harder on myself. It's like I'm afraid of failing at tasks and I can't bring myself to start them. I've noticed at work, when I reach a point where I don't understand a task, I immediately check Twitter or Facebook on my phone, or I text my husband about something inane. I just want to wake up in the morning and know feel confident about facing responsibility. Or at least if I'm not feeling confident, to remember that I only have to fake it for a day and start anew the next morning. Oh, and to remember to ask questions when I need to, because asking for help is not the same as failing.

I have to remember to be gentle with myself as I pursue these goals, but I know that Al-Anon will get me there.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous