Commitment

September 19th's reading in One Day At A Time In Al-Anon contained this daily reminder:

Any marriage made in expectation of lifelong bliss and freedom from care is bound to bring us some shocking realizations that life just isn't like that. An adult point of view recognizes that alcoholism and its train of troubles is only one of the disasters that can happen to a marriage. We would face others with courage; why not this? The commitment to the person we married demands that we do everything we can to correct our problems. What to do we learn in Al-Anon. How we use it is up to us.

My own vows to my husband included this promise:

I vow to always be an active participant in our marriage, even in our most trying times.

 A few weeks ago it was hard to remember that vow. Thanks to this reading and my renewed commitment to Al-Anon, I remember that my husband is worth this effort. A husband who will give me hugs and food when I wake up with an enormous headache is the kind of guy worth keeping. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky I am to have him and I never want to take him for granted.

Goals

During Wednesday night's meeting, when I mentioned I had a hard time with the concept of a Higher Power, another member let me borrow her book As We Understood..., which so far seems to be a collection of member stories about spiritual growth in the program. I just started reading it tonight, and I put it down because I wanted to put down some virtual thoughts about my goals in Al-Anon.

1. I want to stop the crazy.
2. I want to be wholly kind to people.
3. I want to find comfort in conscious contact with my Higher Power.
4. I want to face the day willing and able to handle my responsibilities.

Stopping The Crazy

What do I mean when I say I want to stop the crazy? I want to end the obsessive thoughts that fill my head whenever either I feel anxious, scared, or angry. I want to stop telling myself my feelings are invalid and defeating my natural emotional process. I especially want to stop obsessing about what my husband is or isn't doing at any given time. I want to be able to recognize those thoughts when they arise, acknowledge them, and allow my Higher Power to fill my head with gentler things.

Being Wholly Kind

All my life I've felt like I'm really a mean person at heart. Like I'm not even really sure how to be kind to people. My version of being kind seems limited to either polite listening when a coworker is chatting while internally worrying about what I'm supposed to do or say - not listening with genuine interest. With close friends and family, I feel like my version of kind has more to do with being officious than really understanding. Maybe I'm not giving myself credit, but I usually view myself as somewhere between mildly bitchy and a full-on monster. Maybe this paragraph didn't make any sense to anyone but myself, but I really just want to approach others with love and understanding.

Finding Comfort

What does it feel like to find true comfort in a Higher Power? I can't for the life of me remember a time when I was utterly comfortable in any situation. Perhaps I am a little scared of not having anything to worry about. A therapist told me once that it's easier to perpetuate your own suffering because suffering is familiar and peace is strange. But I am working at peace. Maybe I will find it one day through a power greater than myself.

Facing the Day With Confidence

I usually can't drag myself out of bed on time in the mornings, and that reluctancy follows me throughout the day when I have to face even minor tasks. My mom used to tell me I was a procrastinator just like my father, and sometimes during school it even felt like procrastination was celebrated among my peers - it was a tiny form of rebellion. Now, procrastination usually just makes me even harder on myself. It's like I'm afraid of failing at tasks and I can't bring myself to start them. I've noticed at work, when I reach a point where I don't understand a task, I immediately check Twitter or Facebook on my phone, or I text my husband about something inane. I just want to wake up in the morning and know feel confident about facing responsibility. Or at least if I'm not feeling confident, to remember that I only have to fake it for a day and start anew the next morning. Oh, and to remember to ask questions when I need to, because asking for help is not the same as failing.

I have to remember to be gentle with myself as I pursue these goals, but I know that Al-Anon will get me there.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous

Courage to change

Last Monday, September 9th, marked one year since my first 12-step meeting. I attended a Sunday morning Al-Anon meeting not knowing what to expect. I felt peace after that meeting for the first time that I could really remember. I was fairly consistent in attending meetings for the next few months, until I basically stopped going to meetings altogether.

Looking back on that long dry spell, I only wish I could have known then what I know now, which is that going to meetings is really giving me the power to meet the day head-on.

R and I are now married. I have been the sole breadwinner for the two of us since our wedding in January up until about two weeks ago when R got a job at a bakery. He finished school in May but there's not a lot of employment options for his degree where we live. Fortunately I was making enough for us to live on, but his income now is enough that we can really start to put a dent in our student debt (thank God I was able to pay off my credit card debt from the money people gave us for the wedding). Generally speaking, our marriage is as good as a marriage between two best friends can be...except that we're both kind of fucked up.

I don't mean that to be negative. I've been processing a lot of feelings lately, brought up by these meetings, and I'm having some revelations about myself. Or, at least I'm not as afraid as I used to be to ponder my shortcomings. I'm a human being. It's okay to have shortcomings. I've had a hard time believing that for the past 25 years.

Have I mentioned I was sexually abused as a child? I feel it's pertinent to mention considering what's been in my head lately. I finally mentioned this at a meeting 2 weeks ago and another member, who I know is also a survivor, mentioned a support group in my city specifically for adults who were abused as children. I can't believe I've never heard of this before. It starts next Tuesday and I'm honestly kind of excited. I finally had therapy that tackled this trauma head-on, and it broke down some really old walls. I'm not in therapy now, but I feel like having the chance to revisit the trauma with fellow survivors (I'm consciously using the word "survivor" as opposed to "victim") will help me process it further. Today I met with the coordinator of the group (required before starting) and she had me sign a confidentiality agreement that is very strong in language. I can name the emotions I felt during a meeting, but I can't discuss what I've shared or what other members have shared. So just to be sure, the most I'll mention on this blog is the feelings themselves.

My real purpose for picking up the blog again is because I feel like I've had more of a breakthrough with Al-Anon. I just started going back to meetings a few weeks ago and I feel like I'm more a part of the group now. People remember my name and seek me out for hugs. I even got a real phone list today. Our topic today was about obsessive thinking, and my share involved how I knew I could take steps to stop obsessive thoughts by either consulting my Higher Power or calling an Al-Anon member, but that I didn't have any phone numbers and oh yeah, I'm an atheist. People were really supportive about that second point. Most of them have been believers for a long time, but thought their Higher Power loved everyone but them.

So which is worse, not having an HP or believing your HP hates you? I gotta say I probably have it easier being an atheist. I can start with a clean slate (once I figure out how it's supposed to work) as opposed to having to stop believing that I'm hated by my HP. You gotta be a strong person to be able to get over that belief. My main problem is I have no habits for praying or believing. The most permanent solution I can think of is getting a prayer tattooed on my body...and even though that's not a solution I'll probably still do that. The Prayer of Saint Francis is my favorite.

I did try to connect with my HP at lunch yesterday and this morning on the way to work. Yesterday's lunch was enlightening for some reason. I'm trying to eat vegan for breakfast and lunch, and the salad I put together at Whole Foods was so full of delicious veggies. As I munched on them at my desk, I wondered at how a year ago, if you told me I would one day eat vegan and enjoy it, I would have scoffed at you and gone back to stuffing my face with pizza. Now I look forward to finding vegan lunches. All I can feel is grateful that my attitude towards food has changed so easily since I started this program a few weeks ago (funny how it coincided with my decision to restart Al-Anon!) and I even said grace as I was eating. And let me tell you, if you've never had a spiritual moment while eating an apple, I suggest you reach for the nearest Granny Smith and try it.

This morning when I tried to connect with my HP, I was driving to work during rush hour and feeling overwhelmed. I had intended to wake up early and make it to the gym by 5:30am, but stayed in bed instead. So when I kept getting cut off on the interstate, I decided this must be God telling me to get my ass out of bed earlier and treat my body like a temple, yada yada. Of course, I did decide that's what my HP must have meant, and I was feeling kind of grumpy and not very gentle with myself, so it could have been just another example of me not necessarily knowing how this whole believing in HP thing works.

This post was wordier than I had intended, but that's okay. It's 9:30pm, so I think it's high time I put tomorrow's gym bag together, set my alarm for 4:30am, and let my head gently hit the pillow (see what I did there?).

Gratefully yours,

Sal Anonymous

Dead-end frustration

The December 3rd entry in One Day at a Time in Al-Anon inspired me to write a post today. It talks about questions that only lead to frustration. I ask myself these kinds of questions all the time, especially when R is home and I am elsewhere.

• What is he doing?
• Is he telling the truth about what he's doing?

First of all, if I don't think he's telling the truth about his activities, why do I bother asking him about them in the first place?

Second of all, how necessary are these answers to the progress of my day? It's true that I hate being surprised by finding him in a stupor when I return home, and maybe by his answers and reactions I can mitigate the shock. But if I am at work or in class, or spending time with a friend, attempting to get answers from him only ever leads to suspicion or despair.

Today, for instance, he was supposed to attend an SLAA meeting at noon and work on a group project that is already a week late (due to his bender last time). So I kept checking in on him to see if he went to his meeting, then finding out he watched porn instead, and alternating between calling and texting him to find out more. I blamed it on my boredom at work, but the truth is I could have worked on a project if I'd decided to focus on work. Instead, I focused on R's progress with his paper. Fortunately, he hadn't had any alcohol and was therefore completely sober after watching porn and is this very minute putting the finishing touches on the project.

But today was different, because he actually called me out on my interrogation. On the ride home from the library, he told me how annoying it was that he was trying to be honest about his porn and I became  fixated on finding out more information rather than offering support. I promptly apologized to him for this, because I was already ashamed of my snooping. This kind of behavior doesn't afford him the dignity he needs on the road to his own recovery. It definitely doesn't help me on my own path.

The Al-Anon reading put it this way:

I will rather ask myself:  "What prompts me to do or say things that cause trouble?" - "Why do I concentrate on someone else's shortcomings instead of my own?"

The fact of the matter is, other people's shortcomings are up to God. They are not in my hands. I can only effectively address my own shortcomings and ask God to remove them for me.

I did remember to pray today (I even put it on my to-do list so I would be reminded) and I am very grateful that my wonderful and human fiancé is still with me and we're still strong.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous

Back to it

I think things are changing for the better, but I'm afraid to jinx it, so let's just say I'm grateful for recent events.

I'm feeling more optimistic about my recovery and my fiancé's recovery. R has attended two SLAA meetings, today and yesterday, and has his own sponsor. A particularly bad bender this weekend caused him to lose his job and let down his partner on a crucial class project - we're hoping he still has a chance to pass the class. I have hope though that he will find something beneficial in these meetings and that this will take him in a new direction.

As far as I'm concerned, things are also sort of looking up. After not attending counseling sessions these past two months, compounded with lots of stress over job interviews, I'm happy to say that I have a grown-up job waiting for me after graduation. This is my last semester, and I start my new job (and get married!) in January. I am facing three weeks without work before the new job starts, because my current job won't let me work past graduation, but I'm looking forward to the time off. Even with R not bringing in any income in December, our money situation will still be stable once I get my first salaried paycheck.

It's been hard though, not going to counseling. I got a lot of rejections from employers and I took them personally. R's drinking has been bad, and I have a hard time dealing with it. I stopped going to Al-Anon meetings, first by not making them a priority, and then I actually started forgetting about them. But this recent turnaround by R, and the fact that I got a letter from my therapist today asking what my intentions were for counseling, make me want to get back to it again. I know Al-Anon and COSA will be what I need, but I might want to choose a therapist who's more familiar with the Twelve Steps. This counselor has been extremely helpful in dealing with some past sexual trauma I've had, but she had admitted to not understanding the recovery process very much. I will say that she had helped me realize the harmful beliefs I hold about myself, and I have since been more focused on understanding my own needs and asserting them.

I have been catching up on my three Al-Anon books: One Day At A Time In Al-Anon, Courage To Change, and Hope For Today. They have daily readings that help remind you of the teachings of the Twelve Steps. Two recent entries stood out: one about gratitude and one about letting go of control.

Gratitude is one thing I need to work on. I forget to thank God for my blessings. I have my health, my home, my family, my friends, and my fiancé. As much as anyone reading this blog might only see R's addictions, he is still everything I want in my life. This man was the first person to teach me to talk about my anger and sadness. We share everything with each other. We respect and admire each other. I am so grateful for the chance to come home to him every day, and honestly I have this disease to thank for making me appreciate the times we can both be fully present even more.

Letting go of control is especially relevant in my life. The whole reason I went to that first Al-Anon meeting was because I was trying desperately to control my life and my fiancé's life but failing miserably. I should not be in charge of my life, because only God can be in control of my life. It is up to me to get out of bed every day and seize opportunities, but it is through God's love and support that I can accomplish anything. Letting go of control of R's addiction is part of God's love for me - He does not want me to go insane over something that is bigger than me. The best thing I can do is draw upon God's love for me and share it with R so he can feel it too. I need to remember that in the future.

Yours in recovery,

Sal Anonymous

Meetings

I really need to attend meetings more frequently. I find that by the time Sunday rolls around and I head to my weekly meeting, I am drained of energy. Today I woke up at 8am and proceeded to lie in bed on the computer for three hours. I had so many plans to clean and run errands, but the most I did was go to the grocery store to buy cereal so I could at least have something to eat. I haven't even put makeup on today.

I feel so irritable and depressed by the end of the week. My tasks just loom over my head and out of fear of failing at any one of them, I choose to put off all of them.

Right now I just had an argument with my fiancé about my eating habits. I feel like he doesn't understand that my codependency problems are affecting my eating habits by giving me an emotional relationship with food. It's not easy to just "eat less" when I feel like I need food for comfort, and I need a lot of comfort. In recovery, you can't try to control anyone's behavior but your own. When he tells me to just "eat less" it's the same as me telling him to just "watch less porn" - it makes us both come out as nags and it doesn't respect the other person's dignity. He assumes I just don't understand the fundamental concept of eating less calories than you burn in order to lose weight. Duh, I get that. But just because I know that doesn't mean I can stop or slow the eating. I start to diet and then I fail and start over again. I relapse. If he keeps trying to admonish me for the way I eat, it's only going to cause frustration for him and more shame for me. He insists he wasn't admonishing me, but I feel like just bringing up the topic is inherently condescending.

Now we've both gone to our separate corners. He's helping his dad with something and I have to meet my sister in 20 minutes. The way we were talking to each other wasn't productive and we were just offending each other, sometimes intentionally. If I was going to more regular meetings, I feel like I would be in a better place to hear his comments about my eating habits and react more calmly and with understanding. I might not get him to understand me, but I could at least not cause the situation to escalate.

Fuck.

Yours in failed communication,
Sal Anonymous

Self-Care

I was right in my earlier post. He did sneak out to continue his bender. I mean, wouldn't you think it was weird if someone had been drinking all day and then just decided to go to campus to study for an exam the next day? I thought so. The good news is he came home while I was in class, so at least I don't have to worry about him getting another DUI, or worse.

Before I left for class, I said the Serenity Prayer and tried to calm myself down. I couldn't change what he was doing; I could only change what I was doing. I decided to stop obsessing about him and go to class. That's major progress for me. I was able to step back and be rational enough to choose something that would be a distraction from the present situation. I also refrained from shirking responsibility in that I went to class and learned important material, as opposed to staying home and wallowing in my own feelings.

The meeting topic last Sunday at Al-Anon was self-care. One of the slogans someone shared was that self-care reflected our HP's love for us. In taking care of myself and my needs, I was reflecting God's love for me. God believes me to be deserving of good things, and I am in a unique position to work for those good things. For instance, when I came home from the meeting last Sunday, I immediately changed into my workout clothes and went for a run around the neighborhood. I didn't get very far, and in fact my stamina is way down from what it was, but that didn't matter. What did matter was that I carved out time to take care of my body and my health. I deserve health and wellness and I deserve a body that is capable of running, jumping, swimming, biking, and enjoying life. God knows this, and the only thing I can do is set my mind to achieving those things for myself. God also knows I deserve to eat good food and live in a clean house and gain knowledge, so I must decide to get off my ass and buy groceries, do dishes, and study.

This is what self-care is all about. I am still learning and trying to understand God, but meanwhile (s)he loves me and wants me to take care of myself. This is what's going to improve my life, one day at a time.

Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous