Meetings

I really need to attend meetings more frequently. I find that by the time Sunday rolls around and I head to my weekly meeting, I am drained of energy. Today I woke up at 8am and proceeded to lie in bed on the computer for three hours. I had so many plans to clean and run errands, but the most I did was go to the grocery store to buy cereal so I could at least have something to eat. I haven't even put makeup on today.

I feel so irritable and depressed by the end of the week. My tasks just loom over my head and out of fear of failing at any one of them, I choose to put off all of them.

Right now I just had an argument with my fiancé about my eating habits. I feel like he doesn't understand that my codependency problems are affecting my eating habits by giving me an emotional relationship with food. It's not easy to just "eat less" when I feel like I need food for comfort, and I need a lot of comfort. In recovery, you can't try to control anyone's behavior but your own. When he tells me to just "eat less" it's the same as me telling him to just "watch less porn" - it makes us both come out as nags and it doesn't respect the other person's dignity. He assumes I just don't understand the fundamental concept of eating less calories than you burn in order to lose weight. Duh, I get that. But just because I know that doesn't mean I can stop or slow the eating. I start to diet and then I fail and start over again. I relapse. If he keeps trying to admonish me for the way I eat, it's only going to cause frustration for him and more shame for me. He insists he wasn't admonishing me, but I feel like just bringing up the topic is inherently condescending.

Now we've both gone to our separate corners. He's helping his dad with something and I have to meet my sister in 20 minutes. The way we were talking to each other wasn't productive and we were just offending each other, sometimes intentionally. If I was going to more regular meetings, I feel like I would be in a better place to hear his comments about my eating habits and react more calmly and with understanding. I might not get him to understand me, but I could at least not cause the situation to escalate.

Fuck.

Yours in failed communication,
Sal Anonymous