Routine

Here's what my basic week is like:

Almost every day of the week, there's a large gap in time between my fiancé (hereafter referred to as R) arriving home from his morning shift and me coming home from either work or class. During this time, he usually has classes to attend. Or he's supposed to attend classes. Today, for instance, he came home from work and watched porn and drank. I came home from work to find him asleep in our bedroom and I could smell the alcohol on him.

I can usually look forward to at least one of these kinds of episodes each week. Before my first Al-Anon meeting, I found it easy to immediately get into an argument with R about his drinking. You know what the real problem was, aside from the addiction? I was looking for validation from him at a time when he was incapable of giving it.

When someone is having an addictive episode, that person's primary relationship is with the addiction and no one else. R would even tell me this, saying that just because he drank didn't mean he didn't love me. What he was trying to say was that his drinking has nothing to do with me. Which means the way I was reacting wasn't going to do anything, because I wasn't the cause in the first place.

I did not cause this addiction, I cannot control this addiction, and I cannot cure this addiction.

Since my first Al-Anon meeting, I have tried my best to slow down and realize this. Showing patience and compassion is the only way I can receive patience and compassion in return. I need to use this time, since he is asleep and non-communicative, to focus on my own needs. For instance, tonight I need to study for an exam I'm taking tomorrow. I am going to use this opportunity to attend my first COSA (Codependents Of Sex Addicts) meeting. So far today I have gone to work and earned money, I've completed a workout, and I am close to completing the laundry. There's no reason why I can't take more time to attend a meeting and read my textbook. In my interactions with R, I will be gentle and understanding.

This is why we have to take everything one day at a time. It's the only way to gain real perspective.

Yours in recovery,
Sal Anonymous